CUT
by sasunaru43ver
Summary: Feliciano, now 17, was just released from a mental hospital. Before going there Feli had some problems, most of them wear from Ludwig. He left with depression in his eyes and all that remands is anger. Or so he thought. How could someone who used to be as cheerfuller as a puppy becoming as deadly as a snake?
1. Chapter 1

"I'm sorry. I really want you to believe me. To be with me…"

"I want to be with you too… But I can't… You'll only hurt me."

"No! I promise… I promise I won't. I just want you to be happy."

"Through everything, how is staying with you will make me any happier?"

-

Today is my first day in six months that I get to leave that mental hospital. I'm glad I'm finally out, I mean, I could have hurt myself in there... Or not. To send me to a crazy house was Antonio's fault. And yet, he's here to greet and take me home.

I don't hate him but I am mad. I can't show it though. My mind won't let me. Instead, it does what it always does when I hide from my real thoughts. It puts on a fake smile, witch I'm good at, and waves as if I was dying to see him. But I wasn't. There was only one person I want to see, the man who made me like this.

"Feli, I'm so happy to see you! We've missed you so much!" He ran up to me hugged me. I had to hug him back; I couldn't show him what I was really thinking.

"Haha, I'm happy to see you too! Toni… I really wanna go home now, please?"

"Of course, and when we get there, Lovi and I will fix you up something really special."

"N-no… I meant to Ludwig's house…" He looked at me as if he was too scared to say yes. Antonio doesn't hate Ludwig but he knows he was my reason I did all this. I don't really think Spain wanted me to go back there.

"Are… Are you sure?" He asked sounding scared to let me go.

"I'm sure," I smiled. "I want to see him. He's still a big part of my life, ya know."

"… Okay… I'll take you but you're not going back to live with him. I'll get you around eleven."

"You don't have to baby me. I'm sixteen, I'm fine." I pouted, looking at him and getting in the backseat of his car.

"If you were fine, you wouldn't be here."

"If I wasn't fine, I would still be in there."

Tonio stayed quiet as he pulled out the hospital. We rode for almost two hours; I had forgotten how long the drive was into the next town. I feel asleep more the once. I couldn't stay asleep because Tonio was making me laugh and talking to me.

Finally, we pulled up at a house that, after six months, still hasn't changed. I got out slowly; I was too excited to see him, my hands, if not; my body shook on such the thought.  
Antonio knocked on the door, seeing how I was too stunned to even step on the porch. It took a while before someone answered. It wasn't who I wanted but I felt so happy to see him.

"Gah! It's too damn early to be knocking at someone's doooor…"

"Gil, guess what puppy I got back today." Gillie was silent for a while then staggered out to hug me. I blushed a little and hugged him back. Soon, I felt myself being lift from the ground. I laughed, still hugging him.

"How's my puppy been? You've been gone for so long! I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too! I've been doing better, look." I show him my arm so he can see a clean wrist. He smiled at me and kissed my cheek.

"I'm glad; you're too beautiful to mess up something as little as your arms. Hey, I know I'm not the only one who wants to see you. C'mon."

Still carrying me; we three made our way up to Luddy's room. Gillie put me down then I opened the door. He doesn't really like people just walking in but I didn't care at the moment. I just wanted to see him. I didn't hear anything. I walked in then saw him in bed sleeping.

I couldn't stop blushing! His face and the way he looked so calm got to me. I walked over slowly and looked at him. God, I wanted to kiss him! Sitting on the bed beside him, I looked back at the door to see if Tonio and Gillie were still here. They had already left and closed the door at that.  
I just looked back at him. His bed hair, the way one strap of his tank top sleeve falls from his shoulder, and his face. I can't ever forget that face, even after I tried. It took me awhile but I finally shook him.

"... L-Luddy…"

He turned over a little and his eyes opened. I smiled at him, so happy to see his sky blue eyes again. Ludwig set up quick.

"Fe-Feliciano…!?"

Nodding and blushing, I smiled. "Y-yeah. I got out today… Uhm, I'm sorry to wake you but I really wanted to see you. I hope I'm bothering you or anything..."

"It's fine. I'm just glad we can be together again." He smiled then hugged me. I blushed madly; I've forgotten how his touch melted me every time. He soon kissed my forehead and smiled at me again.

"Do you think... Do you think we can start over again?" He asked. I looked at him, dumbfounded. He really wanted to be with me after everything? I thought about for a while then smiled up at him.

"Yes… Yes, I would love to start over." I hugged him and giggle. He then pulled back slowly then kissed me. I didn't move, though, for some reason I was mad. Mad at the fact that he would kisses me after everything that happened. I didn't really know if I wanted to be with him. Then, I thought of something that would really be fun for me.

He broke me. Why not break him?

"Luddy, I want to know something... Can I move back in with you? Ya know, like, next week?" I smiled.

"… I don't know. Antonio might not let you. I want to say he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you, he just… D-don't trust you… Enough…Yet."

He laughed; I know he was feeling sad that Tonio thinks this is entirely his fault. To be honest, I think the same way. I love him but I really hate him right now.

"Feli, you mean so much to me. I just want to make you happy and if you want to move in, you can. I only want you with me." He said before kissing me again, deeper than the last one. I feel into it and kissed him back. Ludwig laid back and undid my shirt.

-

"Uh? You were up there for a long while. What happened?" Antonio asked as I came down the stairs, fixing my shirt. He smiles at me, Gillie too.

"N-nothing… We just had a long talk… A really long talk- anyway,Tonio, I was thinking and is it okay if I moved back in with Luddy next week? Please?"

I smiled, having my arms around his neck. He tilted his head and sighed. I knew it was a long shot but I had to ask. Maybe it was all too soon.

"Sure… If it makes you happy. B-but if anything goes wrong come straight home!"  
I smiled and giggled, hugging him and thanking him. I felt really happy to be back with Luddy... But I didn't know why. I'm only planning to hurt him and leave him in the end so why am I so happy? Maybe it's to see the pain he'll be in when I do leave. I want him to feet what I felt.  
Later, we got back in the car and took another hour drive back home. When we got there I could hear Lovino yelling. Antonio and I were confused, I mean, who would be in there with him?

"You damn bastard!" A dish hit the wall and made me jump.

"L-Lovino! What are you doing?" Tonio tried to asked as step in front of me a little.

"What does it look like I'm doing?! That damn French man won't leave me the hell alone!"

"Francis? He's here?" I asked. Looking over to where the dish had hit the wall to see Francis But he wasn't there. I walked over heading in the dean. There he was, hiding in the closet from Lovi. After seeing me he darted to hug me.

"AHH! Feli, my sweet little brother! I came all this way to see you only to be greeted by that 'thing' in there."

"I'm glad you're here. You look different though. More like a chick… Like Felix..."  
Francis laughed and hugged me tighter. "Really now, I just changed the way I dress. I look much, much better than guy, no?"

I smiled, "I guess so…" Soon, Tonio had called Francis in for something. I then knew I wasn't getting anymore greeting for today, I hoped anyways, so I headed straight to my room.

That night, I stared out the window looking at the direction where Luddy's house is. I let out a huge sigh and walked over to my closet. I opened it, looking at the bag under all of the shit that I used to hide it. Laughing; seeing how neither of them haven't notice it, I took the bag out.

After locking my door and turning my music on blast, I took the bag and sat in the corner of my room. I looked inside then dumping everything out. The razors, three different kinds of pills, fifty-five dollars towards alcohol, and a picture of Ludwig.

"I can't believe I still had this... After so long... And this picture..."

I started to cry, knowing that I had all this and didn't do it sooner. Instead I let them put me in a damn mental hospital! I wanted to cut just from that! But I didn't. I got up with the money and put on some different clothes. I soon head on down and looked around. Seeing how Tonio and Francis where sleep and Lovino was in his room, I took Tonio's car keys and snuck out the house. I took Tonio's car and drove to the store.


	2. Chapter 2

Someone told me that love, true love, comes from the cuts you give yourself. And for the longest time I thought that was true. I thought it was the only way to feel free. I thought only I, and I alone can show myself the love I've always wanted.

I really did think that… Until I met Ludwig…

3/23/2008 Mood: Thankful

Driving to the store, I tried to block the people I loved from my mind. It makes it easier to hurt myself, not only that but pleasurable thinking no one would care. I stopped at a stoplight, being the only one on that strip, I thought about driving off the road. When the light turned green my thoughts changed and I reached the convenience store.

While in there; I went straight to the alcohol and wine. I was there for a while before grabbing a case of Bacardi, Red Wine, and E. Guigal Cotes Du Rhone. Gladly, I didn't need an ID nor did I have to pay for any of it. A friend of mine, Kenneth, works there and payed for me.

"Yo, Feli. I didn't know they let you out already."

"Y-yeah, I was going to call you but I haven't got around to it yet." I sat the alcohol on the counter and smiles.

"Heh, you're drinking this much and not inviting me?"

"Shut up, only one's mine. The other two are for Antonio and Lovino."

"Whatever dude, I wouldn't be able to get off anyway." He rings me up and hands me my bags. As I stood here, I felt my smile start to weaken. Kenneth was one of my favorite friends... I couldn't let him see me like this... Not again..

I got back in the car, started it, and pulled off. I drove down the road, opening a bottle and started drinking it. I don't drink and drive but I had a lot of shit in my head that I needed to drown out.

Again, at the same stop light I was at earlier when I was thinking about going off the the light turned green I started to edge my car over to the side of the road. I got a little faster, that way I would fly straight through the window. Still drinking, I was almost off the road when another car flew through with its high beams on. Swerving back in my lane, I stopped my car. I looked down, scared out of my mind, and shaking.

"I… I could have…"

Soon, I pulled myself together. I placed my hands back on the wheel and drove home without drinking anything. When I got back Lovino and Antonio were both together on the sofa sleep. They looked so cute, so peaceful.

I smiled and made my way up to my room. Closing and locking the door behind me, I let out a hard sigh. Before I cough sit down in my corner that I missed so much, my phone rang.

"... Hello~?"

"Feli, it's me."

"Who's Is 'me'?" I giggled, and leaned against the wall. Luddy's voice was soothing for some reason. Plus, I just sounded like I was flirting.

"Cute, you know it's me. Anyway, I want to know if you can come over. Me bruder's not here so I'm kind of alone here." It made me smile hearing that he asked me over. I sighed a bit, sitting on my bed.

"… Will you pick me up? I can't take Tonio's car, he'd freak if he woke up and find that I'm and the car is gone."

"Yeah, I'll be there soon." He chuckled hung up after that. Soon, I got back in the corner of my room and sat there. Thinking about nothing. It had to have been something but I could never remember my thoughts I that corner.

Waiting for Luddy, I sat there drinking one of the bottles of alcohol. I picked up my pills that was lying on the floor and cried. "Do I really want to…?" I asked myself. It took a while but I opened the top and slipped seven into my hand. I just looked at them and smiled.

I know this wouldn't do anything but if anyone came in they would see how far I'll try to go. Maybe I want to end it but I'll need better pills and a lot of it.

"God, I want to. They wouldn't care. That whole act of missing me was bullshit! They were glad I was gone…"

I started crying even more, rocking back and forth. I then finished the bottle I had and opened the other one. Putting the pills in my mouth, the bottle was close to it.

"Hey! That Potato-Bastard is down here to see you."

"HMK-!" Lovino knocked on my door making me choke a little. I got up and hid everything under the bed.

"O-okay... Okay, I'm coming.." Sighing, I opened the door.

"Hey... Are you leaving with him?" He mumbled to me, looking me straight in the eye.

"... Yeah.. Yes, I am." I smiled and walked down the stairs.

"What time are you getting back?" Lovi asked as he followed.

"… Later…" With that we walked getting into Ludwig's car. After pulling out of the driveway I sighed and slumped in my seat.

"Is something wrong?" He asked, looking down at me.

"No, I'm just happy to get out and be with you." We both smiled at each other and he drove off.

"…. Hey Feli…"

"Si?"

"… I'm sorry... About everything… I really want you to forgive me and be with me again…"

I smiled, kissing his cheek, "I know. I love you." He then pulled over to the side of the rode. I was worried, maybe I said it too soon or something was wrong with the Ludwig then looked at me and leaned in closer.

"W-what are you doing? Is something wrong…?"

He got closer and closer until his lips met mine. My body jumped, it was like I didn't know what was going on for a minute. I soon fell deeper in his kisses and lost most of my control. He put one hand on my chest, sliding his finger down my shirt.

Ludwig then undid the buttons on my shirt, wrapped his hand around to my back and pulled me in closer. I moaned in his mouth, my body loving at second he's touching me.

"W-wait… L-Luddy-nnnn…" He slowly parted from me, though, still close to my mouth.

"Ja…?"

"We… I don't want to do it in a car. We should wait 'til we get home."

"I can't wait. I've wanted you since you left my house."

I pouted a little, fixing my shirt. "Fine," I said. "You drive and I'll pleasure you..." I said with a small smile. I unzipped his pants, taking out his member. Leaning down and started licking it. I can hear his moans, so low but very loud. It sent shivers down my spine.

Luddy gripped my hair a little as I went deeper. The taste was so sweet, I didn't want to stop. He did come once in my mouth a little. I pulled up, not opening my mouth.

Slowing down the car, he looked at me. "Uh! I-I'm sorry. I should have something in here you can spit it out in."

"… No-no need." I smiled a little. He looked at me weird as if I shouldn't have swallowed it.

"YOU SWALLOWED IT!?"

"Y-yeah… It's just cum." I giggled and shrugged. He sighed and kept his eyes on the road. What was that about? Why the hell did he have a problem with that?

We pulled up at the house. It looked so dark inside, too dark really. It just looks like he hasn't been here in forever! Germany got out first and opened my door. I smiled softly at him and got out.

When I got up and was instantly swept off my feet. Literally, Ludwig picked me up bridal style and kissed me. My face was so red by then and he laughed at the fact, making me blush even more.

Luddy then carried me in and up to his room, laying me on the bed. I looked up at him and smiled, holding my arms out. He chuckled again and leaned down to kiss me. Wrapping my arms around him, I kissed him deeper. He then pulled back slowly.

"… I miss this… Doing this…"

"I do too. I missed you, Luddy…" I smiled, kissing him again. Starting from where we left off, he opened my shirt; sliding his hand along my chest. Ludwig's hands… They're so warm it made my body melt inside.

I felt his tongue slipped out and in my mouth. Playing back, it seemed like he was losing his control; as was I. Ludwig moved back, sliding his tongue down my nick to my chest then finally my abdomen.

Smiling, I tilted my head back as far as I could; letting him take me as he pleased. Using his mouth, he unzipped my pants and pulled them down enough to see the bulge. He smiled, licking it through the boxers. I moaned, loving every inch his tongue was covering.

"I've been waiting for this since you left. All I wanted to do is love you. So now that you're here I'm losing all of my control. You're so beautiful, Feliciano." I blushed, feeling a little confused inside. I set up and looked down, thinking about what he said. He then leaned up as well.

"Beautiful…? After everything you still think I'm beautiful…?"

Ludwig smiled then kissed me. "I don't care what you've done; I'll still and always will love you."

I could almost feel myself crying. I laid back, wanting nothing more but him and him only. He smiled then slowly pulled my boxers down, he bended down and kissed the head of my member. I let out soft moans as he started to lick it.

He then leaned up again, holding open my legs and smiling down at me. Having both hands on my waistline. His hands were warm, almost hot even. I couldn't believe a slight touch like his could drive me crazy.

"… What… What is this?" Germany asked, gliding his fingers across my legs. I felt a shame; I didn't want to look at him or him to look at me anymore. I leaned my head off to the side and covered my face. I could hear the bass in his voice.

"Feliciano..."

"It's... It's my cuts..." I smiled, trying to laugh it off. "No one ever thinks to look at my legs..."

"F-Feli… Why? They're so known. When did you do this?"

"... Before I left the hospital… I-I'm sorry…" I finally started to cry. I just broke down, lying on the bed. I kept my face covered so he couldn't see. "I… I did it because I was… I was so scared…"

"Scared?" He put his hand over mine. "Why would you be scared? You were coming home." Home… That's the point…If you only knew...

I set up with a glare. The tears were gone and I was looking straight at him. Ludwig didn't feel threaten, though I wasn't trying, he leaned in and kissed me. 'Shit!' I lost most of my confidence. I started to blush and it just threw me right off!

He then kissed my neck onto my shoulder. Letting out moans, I held on tight to his shirt. He leaned up a little to meet my face. "Tell me, do you like pain?"

"W-what…?"

"Dose pain pleasures you? Do you get hot whenever you feel pain?"

"W-why would I?"

"… I've bit you more than once and all you did was moan and held onto me tighter. Is that what you're into now?. Pain. I would have thought nothing different. I can see if you got hard after cutting yourself." He smiled and sent kisses down my stomach, but I pushed him off. How could he say all that he just keep going?

I ran into the bathroom and stopped in front of the mirror. I just stood there, looking at myself, and mumbling horrible things to myself. This always happens. Since I was young I would do this whenever I look at my reflection. But it's gotten worse with time. I never really thought I was worth anything.

I just kept on talking, calling myself names and putting myself down. I finally snapped and punched the mirror. The pain didn't hit my hand until I looked down. The blood was everywhere, the skink; the floor; even the mirror itself.

I got on my knees screaming, holding my hand. "SHIT! …FUCK! Nnnn… God… Fuck…"

"Feli!? Are you- …W-what happened…?" Ludwig came in as soon as he heard the shatters of the glass. He bends down to me but I moved away. I didn't want him near me…

"G-go away! I just want to be alone!"

"… I'm not leaving you here, not alone. Give me your hand-"

"NO!" I shouted. I didn't want his or anyone's help. I moved back more as far as I could from him. The glare he's giving me was scaring me in more ways the one. Though, I didn't want to give in.

"Feliciano… Your hand…"

"N-no…"

"FELICIANO!"

I jumped, still holding on my hand. "N-no! Just l-leave…!" Ludwig sighed and moved closer to me. I'm up against the wall scared as he kneed down to me.

"Give you hand so I can fix it. Or I'll take it myself." His face was scary but not like last time. I smiled a little, still letting it bleed.

"Try me…" With that he sighed and grabbed my hand. Ludwig's strong but I still fought back. While struggling, my cuts opened a little more having more blood flow out of it. He finally got me pinned down. My hand didn't hurt anymore so I ended up laughing.

"Really, Feli? We didn't have to do such a thing." He sighs whiling cleaning my hand. "Okay, I'm getting the glass out. Hold still."

While doing so, my hand begin to twitch a little and it started to hurt again. Soon, my scream had turn into moan without me knowing. Ludwig looked up at me as he got the last peace out. He sighed and got a cloth to clean my hand.

He then wrapped it so it would keep bleeding or get infected or other shit like that.

"Come on. We're going to bed."

"Um... I really think think I should do home..." He looked at me; his face had a sad mood on it.

"Please? I don't want to be alone in here…"

I nodded. "Okay, I'll stay tonight." I kissed him and smiled. "Only because I don't feel like going home." I grinned and walked closely behind him.

He smiled at me and kissed me back. We walked back to his room and got in bed. I loved this feeling. I missed this feeling. The feeling of Luddy holding me while sleeping together, the feeling of his room at night, and the feeling of looking at him in his sleep. He's so cute when he sleeps.

It makes me sad to think I would have to go home in the morning. I don't' really want to leave. I looked at my hand again then hugged him, falling asleep soundly.


	3. Chapter 3

"He never really liked you. He only wanted sex. That's all people like him only care about. If I could, I would have you stay away from him. But I can't, so watch your back, Feli." Though, he were so young, those words from Lovino hit me hard. It hurts to think about it…

That morning when I woke up, the bed was empty. I looked over to stare out window. The sun blinded me but I didn't look away. This time, it really did hurt to keep starting at it. It's never really done that before.. .

I turned back over after some time, wishing Ludwig was still here. "Where did he go?" I asked myself. I wasn't able to think every long, the door to the room wong open. Sadly, it wasn't Ludwig, but you can say the next best thing. Gilbert smiled as he saw me and came over, sitting beside me.

"Hey Feli-chan! Why are you still in bed? It's almost three thirty in the afternoon." He asked, running his fingers through my hair.

"I… I don't know. I don't really sleep this long… Where's Luddy?"

"You didn't know? After you left he got a job." I blinked then turned back to the window. "He didn't leave you anything?" Prussia asked.

"Maybe, I don't know. I didn't look for anything…"

After a while of silence Gil picked up a sticky note to my forehead. I took it and looked it over. I felt like an idiot just now.

'Sorry I had to leave, I'm off to work. I'll be back at 2.'

I stared at it for awhile, I felt a little dumb about not seeing it, "… Didn't you say it was almost about it be 3 something?"

"Ja, why?"

"He said he'll be back at 2… Where is he?"

Gilbert looked up then leaned back onto my lap, "I don't know. Hey, since West is still out, let's do something together."

Looking at him, I slowly slid him off my legs and got back under the covers. I didn't really want to leave. It's not like I was being mean or anything, it's just I don't want to do anything with him.

"H-hey! Don't be mean!"

Again... I wasn't being mean. Gil pulled at the covers as I tugged back. We were at this for a while before I pulled a little too hard and he fell over top of me. His face was so close to mine, I couldn't stop blushing. Slowly, Gilbert's eyes became dazed as he leaned in, pressing his lips on mine.

He moved up a little, making the kiss deeper. I still wasn't able to gain realization of this. I just laid there as he kissed me. He pulled off slowly and smiled down at me.

"Feli-chan, you look so cute right now." He said in a calm voice. He then started to kiss me again but I ended up pushing him off this time. I was still a bit stunned but I got up and ran to the bathroom.

I kept splashing water in my face to see if I really was awake. I couldn't believe he just did that! Doesn't he know? Doesn't he know about me and Ludwig? I mean, he has to, he lives here too! Why did he just kiss me like that? A knock came through the door, making me jump and a little scared to open it.

"H-hey Feliciano. I'm sorry about… What just happened back there. I didn't mean to do that to you…"

I glared at him through the door, hoping he could feel the look on my face before I opened it. I walked out and went straight back to Ludwig's room to get my clothes. Soon after getting dressed; Ludwig still wasn't home yet. I didn't want to go home but I didn't feel like staying here anymore.

"Feli-chan, if you have some time I was really hoping we could hang today?"

"…"

"Come on, please? I said I was sorry about before."

I looked at him, a little annoyed at the moment, "… Fine." I sided out, "Where are we going?"

"Out… To lunch." He smiled. It's going on 4 and it's a bit too late for lunch. He didn't care; Gilbert took hold of my hand and leads me straight to the door. Before he could open it, Ludwig walked through. His face had looked a little confused.

"Oh! Hey West!"

"Where are you two heading out to?"

"Out. I haven't seen Feli-chan in forever!" Ludwig sighed and walked on through. He didn't say anything nor did he look happy. It kind of scared me but Gilbert wasn't fazed by it. He pulled me along, walking out to his car and opened my door for me. I still didn't say anything; I just got in and waited for all this to be over.

When we finally got to the restaurant, he stopped the car but he didn't get out yet. I was silent for a good while. Unsure of what to do, I moved my hand to open the door. Then Gilbert started to speak, holding on to my other hand.

"Hey Feliciano…"

I didn't look up or at him. I knew something was wrong. That base in his voice sounded just like Ludwig's last night. "Y-yeah…?" I asked, feeling nervous.

"I want to ask you something… Why? Why did you do this to yourself? Why do you act like everything's okay but you're crying as soon as you're alone? And the last one… Why him…?"

Shaking and holding my arm tightly, I sat there silently. Why would he ask such questions like that? I wanted to cry or run or do something! Anything to get out this car!

Gilbert put his hand on my shoulder. I did jump a little. "Please… Please answer…"

I still didn't look at him. If I could, I would break down in his arm crying. But I don't want him to see that..

"Do… Do you really need to know…? Do I really need to tell you anything…?

"Of course!" His grip got tighter as he started to yell, "Feli, I care about you. No one knows why you're putting yourself through all this."

"It's no one's business to know why! I have my reasons. I don't need to tell anybody anything!"

"You can't do this on your own… You need help." Gilbert replied. His hand was still on my shoulder. I believe that was so, if I did run, he would be able that stop me.

"Feli…" Gilbert's voice got low, just like Ludwig's again."I only want to help you… This isn't working if we just fight…"

He had me look at him; tears ran down my face as I looked into his crimson red eyes. Gilbert looked worried as he pulled me into a hug, holding me tight.

I hugged him back, crying on his shirt. He rubbed my back to get me to calm down. It worked a little after some time.

"You know… When you asked about 'why him'. Who did you mean?" I mumbled over my tears.

Gil got really quiet as he closed his eye. "Why West? Why would you want someone like him…?"

"Someone like him?!" Pushing off of him, I became angry again. "What do you mean by that?!"

"You know what I mean. I've been through a lot more shit then West has with you. Yet, it's still about him! It's always about him…"

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" I started to yell and covered my ears. Tears streamed down my face. "You don't know…" I said, lowering my hands, "It has to be him- ALWAYS HIM! He's the only one who knows, the only one I can run to…!"

"You feel you can't come to me? You think I don't know what's going on?"

"Just…! Stay out of it. Stay out of everything!" Again, a long silence filled the car. My head was down as I kept on crying. Gil ran his hand across my cheeks, wiping my tears.

"Hey…" He begins, pulling me into another hug, "I care as much as West does… I only want you to live happy and carefree. Like you were when you were younger. Ever since you got out I haven't seen that warm smile that left us."

Gil lifts my head and looked straight at me, "I want to see that smile again." Slowly, he leaned his head down and his lips met mine. I didn't pull away or froze as I should. My arms wrapped around him as I kissed him back.

I couldn't help but think how wrong this was. But… It just felt so right.


	4. Chapter 4

After the lunch thing, we drove back in silence. I was nervous to say anything and I don't know why Gil didn't talk. When we got back to the house I got out and stormed upstairs, getting my things and left. I didn't talk to Ludwig or Gil. I just left walking to the nearest bus stop and called Antonio to pick me up.

Maybe it was because I was confused but Antonio said I was crying on the phone and my eyes were red. "I-I wasn't crying..." I mumbled to him in the car. I was laying across the back seat trying to sleep but he wasn't stop talking.

"You were... Did something happened? I told you to call me if anything happened."

"I know what you said..." I laid down in the back seat and cried to myself. I felt really bad now, and that's just over kissing Gilbert! Ludwig can't know about it. Even though I hate not telling him things I still have a couple of stuff I can't bring myself to tell him.

"Feli," Antonio mumbled, "Are you going to go back?"

"Go back...?" I wasn't sure. I don't know. I want to but I can't look at Ludwig right now. "N-no... I'm going to stay home for a while."

"What happened."

"NOTHING HAPPENED!" I cut him off, crying a little more. Why can't he just stop asking me and let me forget? I just want to go home and sleep or something... Be on the computer until I pass out. That sounds nice. I giggled a little as we pulled up to the house.

When we got up, Lovino ran up to me, hugging me. "Fratello! Are you okay!? What did that bastard do to you!?" He asked with a worried face. I couldn't help but laugh a little. "... Don't laugh! You sounded so scared over the phone. I want to know what he did!"

"Nothing," I smiled, "He did nothing." Lovino looked at me, then sighed. "Can we go inside now? It's getting colder as the sun goes down." He nodded and walked me in.

For a while now we stayed in the living room even though I wanted to go upstairs. It just felt better being around Lovino and Antonio again. They made me forget about what happened and when Francis and Matthew came by everything was a lot better.

I'm not sure why. I didn't even want to be around people. After some time went by I headed to my room, saying that I was tired. I wasn't really, I just wanted to be alone but Matthew soon came up and asked if he could come in.

Maybe if it was anyone else, I would have said no. But Matthew, I believe, is another person who understands me. I haven't told him everything but enough for him to understand and know what's going on. Matt is kind of like me. A little. He always went away to a hospital for a while because he tried to kill himself more than once. He didn't really have a good childhood, no matter how hard Francis tried to help him. I don't know what happened but it was enough to make someone crazy.

Matt's been in a mental hospital and a children's hospital for, almost, his life until 3 years ago when they said he was okay to leave. Now, I don't know if he still cuts or try to harm himself but he's such a happy person and shy person now. I wish I could be happy again.

"Feli?" Matthew called out in his soft voice, "Is it okay that I lay here with you?"

"... S-si, sure." I mumbled, looking at him. He closed the door behind him and locked it. And I didn't even had to remind him. I love this guy. Anyways, he sat beside me and looked up the ceiling. He gave off a small sigh.

"Something wrong?" I asked, giggling a bit.

"N-no. I just didn't want to be downstairs. It's much peaceful being here with you." He smiled and turned to me. I smiled back, looking at that cute face of his. I sat up and leaned against the bedpost.

"Matthew... I want to tell you something... But if I do will you try not to get mad?" I asked, looking away from him. He might not know what I know but I know he's going out with Gilbert. They never said anything to other people so I think I'm the only one who knows.

"What do you mean?" He said, sitting up as well. The look in his eyes seem fearful and innocent. I remember my eyes looking like that.

"I know you and Gilbert are going out..." I started, putting my head down. "Yesterday... I kinda... Um, kissed him... Well, it's was more of him kissing me. We had this long talk in a car and then..." I paused. Matthews's didn't really show any emotion in his face. He just got up and left. I knew he was pissed off at me... It wasn't like I can do anything now.

Sighing, I laid my head back down on the pillow, trying to fall asleep.

-

That morning following up as bullshit. I didn't feel like leaving my bed, nor did I feel like moving. The wasn't really blue yet but it was already 6 in the morning. I really have no reason to get up. "Maybe I can pull a 'Lovino' and stay in bed?" I mumbled and shifted to turn to the other side of the room.

My eyes widen to see Matthew asleep beside me. "Mattie?" A little confused, I poked him to see if he was really in my bed and not just a dream of some kind. One of those weird dreams where it involves other people and just end up doing it. I don't call it a 'wet dream' really. I'm not even sure why I have dreams like that.

Matthew seemed to be sound asleep. He looked so cute without his glass. I smiled a little, still wondering why he's in my bed and why's he even still here. But right now, I don't really care though. "Does he still hate me...?" I asked myself as I sat up, slowly moving out of the bed.

As I left out the room I closed to the door behind me, sneaking my way down to the living to see who was still there. Antonio and Lovi were both asleep on the floor, Francis looked passed out in the kitchen. I sighed and walked to the kitchen.

'These guys are idiots...' I thought, getting some snacks and drinks for me and Mattie. It was hard having to step over the two and no wake anyone but I finally manage to do so, making my way back to my room.

-

Matthew was already awake and watching t.v when I got back. He looked and smiled at me. At least I know he's isn't that pissed off anymore. I smiled back and walked to sit down, sitting the food in front of us and the drinks on the nightstand.

"Feli... I'm sorry about just walking out like that..." He mumbled, looking down.

"It's fine... I mean, I really shouldn't have kissed him back..."

"But you wasn't the one who made the first move... To tell the truth, I believe Gil has grown tired of me..."

Matthew tried to smile it off but I could see he wanted to cry. I moved closer to him, hugging him tight. "Gil can't be tired of you... He loves you..." I whispered, trying to keep him together. "What happened in the car just happened... I'm sorry."

He didn't respond, just hugged me back. I felt a little sorry for him. Maybe I should tell him what Gil's been doing but I don't think it's anything of my business. "F-Feli..." Matthew murmured, his face still buried in my shirt. "I think... I think Gilbert's cheating on me..."

Or maybe he already knew. I wouldn't know, he was so shy and quiet. "... H-how would you know?" I asked him, looking down to see his eyes flooding with tears. He almost made me cry just looking at him.

"How would I know? His phone. I found an old phone around my house while I was cleaning. It wasn't mine so I thought it had to have been Gil's since I had him over a week ago. This phone had numbers and pictures on it that I don't even wanna think about..."

Matthew moved away from my as he got up. I couldn't really get any of my words out through his mumbling. I watched as he left the room, not really saying anything. Sometimes I wish I could tell Matthew everything like he tells me. But I'm scared that I might trust him enough.

I'm tired of that. He tells me stuff I don't even need to know. Maybe I could let him in on some things that bother me. I know Mattie could help me.

-

It was almost noon when I woke up again. The bed felt cold. It felt dead. The room was quiet and so was the house. I couldn't hear Lovino, Antonio, or Francis downstairs. I got up slowly and walked to an empty living room. "Hey... Are you guys still here?" No answer. I shrugged it off and laid on the sofa.

My body felt weak for some reason. "Nothing happened so why can't I move now?" I asked myself, turning on the TV with the remote and flipping through channels. Having the house to myself is really peaceful, I miss it. I forgot that Antonio and Romano never really stayed in the house.

Time went by slower than I thought. I didn't want to sleep, I wasn't tired just week. Maybe I should try to move around. Was I in bed for too long? Sometimes, I don't understand my body... I fucking hate it. Plus, just when I thought I didn't have to mean, there was a knock on the door.


	5. Chapter 5

_**NOTE: To start off, it might be shorter than the other's. I'm sorry about that.I'm also, I might get a little bit more graphic with CUT starting chapter 6 or at the end of chapter 6. I don't know yet.**_

_**BUT I'm not sure when I'm going to end this but I already thought of an ending.**_  
_**I love the ending so much... But you guys might hate it :).**_

The knock scared me, almost made me fall to the floor. I sighed and went over, slowly opening the door as far as the chained latch would let me. Peaking though I could see Ludwig's face. He had this small smile but he looked sad. "Guten Tag.. Can I come in?" He asked. I choked on my words so I just nodded, taking off the latch and letting him him.

"I-is something wrong?" My voice was cracking. Was I a little too worried? "Did something happened?"

"No, nothing's wrong... It isn't much of a big deal, really. I just wanted to come by and see you." He smiled, trying to hide the fact that he's been crying. I can tell. But why? Why was he crying and why isn't he telling me. My mind went wandering, the fact that he wouldn't tell me fucked me up.

"L-Ludwig... You're eyes are red and your face took try. Please tell me... Did.. Did I do something...?" He looked at me and started to laugh. A deep, more scary laugh. It was weird and it scared me. What's with this laugh, this damn laugh. I'm sure it wasn't the first time I've heard it before.

"Did you do something wrong? It's always about you, isn't it, Feliciano?"

"... What... What are you talking about...?"

He sighed and looked away as he walked over to sit down. His face, he didn't look mad or frustrated like he did when he came in. Although, he's still scaring the fuck out of me. Ludwig didn't speak for a while until I went to sit beside him. He looked down and with a soft, low voice he asked; "You don't truly love me, do you? Not like you used to, like before. You're really different now."

"What the hell are you talking about?! Of course I still love you! If... If I didn't, I wouldn't have been with you that night. I wouldn't have slept with you..."

"That's just it... I don't think it's me you really want to be with."

"Wait... Is this about me leaving with Gilbert?" I asked, he didn't reply. I knew it was a bad idea but Gil is my friend. Plus, why should he be getting mad? He could have been out cheating when I was away for all I know!

"I'm sorry. I know it seems off but before you left I could see how we grew apart and you started being more around Gilbert. I'm not going to lie, I was a little scared when you two left together." He leaned his head away from me and sighed, a small faint of blush shown on Ludwig's face.

"Oh... I don't remember a lot before leaving but I do know we did have that fight..." I mumbled, lying about not recalling anything. And that fight. That fight that, really, made me start cutting in the first place. That fight that had me landed in the fucking hospital! "It was rather strange and a bit over the top. But they're nothing to do about it now. It's over and I'm here and if you think I'm cheating on you with Gil then you're completely wrong. You know he has Matthew. And I wouldn't want to hurt Matthew either. Just trust me on this."

Ludwig didn't reply, he just slowly shook his head and got up. His face turning from sad to angry. I can say that it scared me a little. "N-no, I can't just trust you. I trusted you before and that turned out worse than expected! Feliciano, I love you, I really do, but... Maybe we should take time off from each other... I really just need time to think."

"... H-hold on. Hold on. What? You're breaking up with me...? You can't just leave! You said that you loved me!" I started shouting at him, standing right in front of him. "Don't you remember our last fight ended up just like this. Us shouting, you leaving, we're not together; all for nothing... You're leaving me for nothing. I'm not cheating and you're over thinking the whole thing!"

"That's not the point. I don't know if you rather be with my brother than me. I don't know if you rather be with anyone else than me. All I know is that before you left and even now that you're completely different and distant from me. That's why I need time to think..."

He sighed and turned away, walking out the door. My eyes widen as I watching the last person who understood me walk away from me. "... Don't do this..." I whispered, running to the door. "DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN!" Crying and shouting at the top of my lungs for him to come back but it didn't work. He got in his car and drove off.

He drove off.

Ludwig left me.

He's gone.

Again.

Sitting there on the side of curb, I watched as his black car disappeared down the hill. I was stunned. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't blink! The thought of him leaving me again was painful to think of when I was in the hospital. Now seeing him leaving me was just killing me inside. I wanted to be the one to hurt him... Not the other way around.

"What the hell are you doing on the ground?" Lovino asked as him and Antonio got out the car. "And why's the door wide open?!"

"Lovino, hold on... Feli...? Feli, are you okay?" Antonio asked as he walked up to me, shaking me slightly. "What happened, Feliciano?" Lovino also came up to me and watched as Antonio tried to get me to speak. It wasn't working. I'm trying my best but nothing's coming out. I was confused and now scared. Confused as to why Ludwig just left me and scared because, I lost the only person who I felt understood me.

I've told him everything.

And now he's gone.

More tears streamed down my face as I cried in Antonio's arms. He quickly picked me up and ran inside the house. Once inside, he sat me down on the sofa and tried to get me to calm down and speak to him or Lovino. But it didn't work, I flew from heart broken to rage and stormed upstairs to my room.

I couldn't stop screaming. After a long while I found myself laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. I realized that I threw everything that wasn't touching the floor around. Looking left and right, my room was trashed.

Then a sharp pain hit my arm. I winced and quickly set up. May blades, drink, and pills were everywhere. I looked down at my arm, It was full of marks and blood. Trying not to cry, I quickly got something and wrapped it around both of my arms. I don't remember anything after going to my room. Maybe it was because I was drinking or too angry.

Sitting there in my corning, holding both of my arms, I cried. I cried until Lavino was able to bust in my room, almost breaking the door. His eyes got wide as he saw the mess and I could tell he was able to yell at me. And then he saw the blades, the pills, the wine and whisky bottles on the floor. Lovino's face changed immediately as he ran up and hugged me. Antonio soon followed in after to only have the same reaction.

That night, I sat in the hospital looking out the window. I told myself how I would never end up going back to one of these places. I hated it. Lovino and Antonio haven't left even though they were told that one of them would have to leave for the night. But they're still here...

My doctors have been trying to get me to sleep since I got here, but I'm scared. "What if I end up having a nightmare?" I asked them. One of the doctors just simply laughed and smiled at me.

"You won't, I promise. And even so, it's only just a dream in the end." She said as she kissed my forehead as if she was my mother. She then left, looking back at me and smiling once more before she left. The other doctor, I must say, didn't seem so sure on what she just said. He looked at me then sighed.

"I can't say if you're going to have a nightmare or not. I can say it's not 'just a dream in the end'." He walked to the door and stopped, "If you have a nightmare, scream. Make sure you wake someone help. Not everyone lives through their dreams." Then he left.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Note**__: A little shorter the others, I'm sorry about that._

* * *

"I was in the that hospital for more than a month, now. Not once did Ludwig come to see me. Maybe he did mean it to be over… But he did say just need space… Space from what?! From me? How much fucking space does that bastard need!?"

So… like I said. I haven't seen Ludwig some months. I've been in the hospital recovering from my cuts and, more than once, overdosing on pills. Everyone else came to see me. Everyone but him. Even Gilbert came to see me. He told me that Ludwig couldn't bring himself to come to visit. Do you know much that pisses me off? Just like when I was in that mental hospital! He didn't come visit me! He didn't called! It was like he was happy I was gone!

"Maybe it was his job," Matthew started, "Or m-maybe… Maybe he didn't know how to look you in the eye and tell you he's sorry… Look, you're leaving later today… We can go his house. Together."

"Together?"

"Of course I'm coming with you." He said, giving me a light smile. I smiled back then sighed as I sat up.

"Thanks, I guess…. But… What if Ludwig won't talk to me? I'm not going to stand there looking like idiot as he close the door in my face."

"Hmm… He won't. Trust me. You should get some more sleep before we leave. It won't be til later tonight." Matthew got up and headed for the door, "I'll be back later, okay? An hour before you're scheduled to go home." He smiled, leaving, closing the door behind him.

I couldn't help but smile and watch as he left. At times, I would feel bad for him because of Gilbert non-stop flirting. "Gil, you're such an idiot…" I sighed soon after, realizing that I didn't want to go to sleep. I would only have that same dream as ones from all those other nights before. Why sleep when you're only going to scream yourself awake?

Laying there alone, I stared out the window to my right and watched as the cars zoomed by and people walked. From where my room was, I could see the main street and the parking lot in front of the hospital. Because it's past five, there's a rush hour so the streets are jammed and people are just walking around. Some don't even look like they know where they're going. I couldn't stop laughing to myself.

But soon, the knock on my door took my attention away. I set up and watched as the door opened and, to be honest, my chest was hurting because I thought it was going to be Ludwig. Instead It was Gilbert. Not that I wasn't to see him but.. Nevermind.

"Hey, Feli~! Are you ready to go?"

"Go…?" I asked, a little confused. He gave me one of his huge smiles and sat beside me.

"Yeah, They didn't tell you? You get to leave early! You should get dress, I brought you some new clothes."

"Does Matthew know you're here?" His face changed instantly, frowning at me then sighing.

"Why? He's already pissed off at me. We're giving each other space." Gilbert handed me the bag and got up. "Get ready while I sigh you out, kay?" I nodded then he left. I looked through the bag, seeing how all of this stuff is new. The tags aren't even pulled off. Maybe he just wanted to be nice? I'll feel a little awkward in these.

I sighed and got up, taking the tags and stickers off the clothes and started getting dress. Somehow, I really feel like these where for Matthew. They just seem a little small. One size too small which is what Matthew is compared to me. But the dark red shirt with black long sleeves and the all black pants doesn't seem to be what he would wear.

The door opened again as soon as I was done changing, Gilbert smiled at me as he moved closer. "They fit great on you." He chuckled, moving to held my hand but I turned away.

"T-they're a little small… But, yeah… They fit…"

"… Is something wrong..?"

"Nothing's wrong. I guess I'm just tired… I don't know."

"Feli… I'll get your things so we can leave." I nodded to him and, at least, try to smile. Gilbert noticed and smiled back before putting my clothes and items in some bags. "Hey, Feliciano. Sorry to bring up a touchy subject but… Has Ludwig been over here to see you at all?"

"… Fucker. Of course not…"

Grinning, he stepped closer to me with the bags in hand. "I'm sorry. I was only asking. He hasn't been at home either, I've been texting him and trying to get him to come and see you. I guess it didn't work."

"… Gilbert, I want to go now… I want to go to sleep." I mumbled, taking his hand. He smiled at me again, leading me out of the room and down to the main floor. I kept my head down, not wanting to say anything. Gilbert had a tight hold on my hand, which calmed me down a little.

Calm me down… From what? I couldn't stop asking myself why I felt so worked up when we left. Maybe it was because I was going home. Or maybe it's because Ludwig won't be there when I get home. We got out to the car and got in, I still kept to myself and stared out the window the whole ride home. I'm sure it was rude but I wasn't in the mood for talking. And I think Gilbert noticed that.

After a long ride home, we walked into the house. It was quiet and dark. Antonio and Lovino wasn't home which made me kind of again, I don't think they know I was going to come home this early. Gilbert closed the door behind us, took my hand, and pulled me to the sofa. He patted on his lap, telling me to sit but I just set beside him and sighed.

"Come on, Feli-Chan. You look so down since we left." He whined and leaned his head on my shoulder.

"It's nothing…" I mumbled to him, looking away as he cuddled him.

"It's something. It can't just be nothing. Not with that face… Just tell me."

"I'm tired, okay?! I just want to sleep…" I snapped and jumped up, walking up to my room and closing the door. I stayed there for a moment to try and hear Gilbert's footsteps, but it was silent. Finally, I just got under the covers and tried to fall asleep.

I'm sure it's been an hour or so and I can hear Antonio and Gilbert talking. I can't make out what they're saying but since he and Lovino came home they haven't walked in my room. That's fine, I guess, because I couldn't stop thinking.

Thinking about him.

Thinking about Ludwig.

My head went in circles and my chest started to hurt. I tried not to think, I tried to just sleep but everytime I close my eyes I see him. I open my eyes and I see him. My pants started feeling tighter and I couldn't help but blushes at my thoughts I kept having about Ludwig. They were so hot, so sexual.

"It not right to think like this after the shit he's done…" I thought to myself as I slowly rubbed my budget that was started to get harder. Then I could hear Lovino yelling at the top of his lungs. I thought he might have been yelling at Antonio but it got more violent and loud. His voice snapped me out of my thoughts, making me get out of bed and peaking out my door.


End file.
